Sometimes you fail. I feel like a key component of who I am is someone who sucks at everything and with great effort can become mediocre. I’m also someone who always wanted to be a genius. I figured acting was easy enough that I could be a genius at it (whatever that even means.) At this point in my life I’m sick of trying. The results are almost never worth the heartache especially with acting. I went home for six days and was around people who just assume I’m beautiful and wonderful and clever. Then I go here and feel like part of the mass of cute quirky girls or like I’m fat when my BMI is five pounds over underweight. Where I’m just one in a sea of girls like me. That’s a sort of proof that there isn’t a God, that there are so many people who are alike. It’s like yeah each snowflake is different under a microscope but they’re still all just snowflakes and there are billions of them. If every single one doesn’t specifically matter then none of them matter. I’ve always wanted to have meaning in life. I grew up religious which gives you a greater purpose than yourself, it makes everything simple just follow all these rules and you’re set. But I dont believe that’s true. So I hoped that art, that somehow just being myself and expressing would have meaning, that I could be a better emotional conduit than other people so that I would somehow better their lives, who the fuck knows. But everyone should probably just learn to feel things on their own. And everyone can poorly scrawl a picture or sing a crappy song. No one’s going to fix anything for anyone. So you’re just here trying to make something that is somewhat collectively seen as art or the right way of representing things but with a slightly personal twist and I apparently suck at that. A commercial director calls me in all the time and I haven’t booked a fucking commercial in 3-4 years it’s like I’m the wife in Citizen Kane who’s forced to perform in opera houses over and over again. It isn’t like I’m going in there making some lovely unique choices that the public isn’t ready for, nope I’m just being terrible. And if I kept trying I could be mediocre and then occasionally randomly somehow book something. That makes it seem pretty stupid to keep trying. I can be mediocre at so many things that don’t also insult me as a human being.
So I’m quitting acting or being over dramatic or both and probably going to do mediocre things for a long time. Like everyone else. Except a few people who we have collectively decided are somehow doing things right with a twist that somehow makes them slightly more awesome. Which may change in a few months or in a generation and we’ll all think they’re meh.
PS I’m grateful that I have a job right now and really nice family and friends. It’s just hard to give up on something.